Author: Kate Neser

While we either have or are contemplating a return to our offices, digital communication, whether that be email, messaging, Zoom or MS Teams is here to stay.  Being effective in how we use these different communication tools will be critical to high performance and team management.

These are my thoughts on some good habits using each of these platforms.  It is based on work by Erica Dhawan in her work on “Digital Body Language”, with some of my own ideas thrown in. 

My email top tips

1. Reply to emails promptly. 

If you want to take some time to consider your response, then at least acknowledge receipt and let them know when you’ll get back to them.  If I hear nothing back for a couple of days, I’m unsure whether you’ve received my email, are deliberately ignoring me, or it simply got lost in the numerous emails you receive every day.

2. Use the subject line. 

We receive so many emails these days, your email will get better attention if this subject line is informative.  If you need a response by a certain date, say so – eg “Input required by COB 28 February”.  And if the purpose of an email chain changes update the subject line.

3. Match the tone and culture of the recipient or organisation. 

When I first moved from being a CFO to a consultant, I needed to change my email style from short sharp and directive, to warm engaging and chatty.  The first style didn’t use salutations, or even always full sentences (depending on my audience of course), whereas my emails these days are still direct and to the point, but will always start or finish with more personal comments.

4. Use ‘reply all’ sparingly.

When replying to an original message that includes many recipients, consider carefully the need to ‘reply all’.  If you don’t need to do this, don’t.  Be selective.  There’s nothing more annoying than receiving many messages on the same topic that you don’t really need to see.  And worse still, sometimes confidential information is shared inappropriately.

5. Consider a phone call instead

If you find yourself emailing back and forth dealing with a complex issue, consider making a phone call instead.  Sometimes it is quicker and more effective to have a live conversation rather than try to communicate nuances by email.  If required, you can always confirm the outcome of a conversation with an email.

And remember that emails are included in the scope of official documentation so, in the public sector, may be subject to Freedom of Information requests. 

Group chats/whatsapp/instant messaging (IM)

The world of work is changing, and some teams are working more flexibly, either in terms of working from home or the hours worked by different team members.  Some workplaces are using less formal methods of communicating in the form of messaging platforms. 

My IM top tips

1. Increased clarity.

One of the major benefits of this form of communication is the speed.  But I think this is one of the trickiest forms of communication.  It’s still written, so is missing many non-verbal cues.  It is therefore really important to be clear.  But the very nature of the platform lends itself to short, sharp communication.  So the challenges are: being clear, without being long-winded; conveying tone without becoming unprofessional eg inappropriate emojis or shorthand; responding quickly without sacrificing the time needed to fully consider the issues. 

2. Use only for simple communications

It is important to think carefully about what this platform is used for.  Using it for simple information sharing eg ‘new virus alert advised by IT – check your email’, or for arranging simple tasks eg ‘can you get that report to me by 4pm tomorrow?’ is good.  Using it for more complex issues such as seeking input to a policy document, or dealing with sensitive or confidential information, or when you need to keep an official record of a conversation, is better dealt with in a different format.

3. Respect boundaries.

Boundaries can become blurred, particularly with instant messaging.  People tend to expect quick replies in this medium, and with flexible working hours blurring, what may be within your work hours, may not be for someone else.  Be mindful of this within a team.  This works both ways.  Try not to use this medium if you know someone is outside their work hours, unless it is really necessary for you to get a response right now.  Similarly, if you find yourself replying to messages outside your work hours, reminding the sender that you might miss out-of-hours messages might be useful.  And, similar to email, if you can’t respond to a message for a period of time, let the sender know, eg ‘in a meeting right now – will get back to you in an hour’.

4. Develop a shorthand.

A team shorthand can be useful – a set of agreed acronyms that allow for fast and clear communication eg FYI NAR (for your information, no action required), NNTR (no need to respond), SOS (urgent).

Videoconference (VC)

By now, we are all much more used to using videoconference platforms to connect.  However, this doesn’t mean we are all doing it well.  It’s still important to plan for these connections and structure them well.  This is even more important than in-person meetings, as it is harder to maintain the attention and engagement of participants on line.

My VC top tips

1. Use introductions. 

Make sure everyone knows who’s who, and what their role and purpose is in the meeting.  This is both to ensure participants know what is expected of them as well as understanding the role of everyone else in the ‘room’.  Allow time for this.

2. Have a clear structure.

Have an agenda, a clear purpose or intention for the meeting and a limited timeframe that is clearly communicated prior to the meeting.  Stick to it.

3. Plan how you will run the meeting

Think through how you want the meeting to run.  How do you want people to interact in the meeting?  This may depend on the purpose of the meeting and the number of participants.  Will you ask everyone to mute and raise their electronic hand to speak.  Will you allow the use of the chatbox?  Do you need to let people know how to do this? 

4. Use a moderator

Consider the complexity of the meeting.  A one-to-one meeting obviously doesn’t need a moderator.  But with many more participants, a moderator is essential to assist participants with connection or technical issues, curate the chat box and keep the meeting on scope. 

5. Cameras on

Best practice is to request everyone have their cameras on.  This provides access to body language cues and increases engagement.  But consider that there may be valid reasons why someone chooses or cannot always have their videos on.  Perhaps they have limited bandwidth, are sharing spaces with others or are simply exhausted being on camera in meetings all day.  And remember, even if you have your camera on, with larger meetings, you may not appear on the screen until you actually speak, so the convenor may not see your physical indication that you want to speak.

6. Encourage participation

When you invite input or ask a question, pause for longer than you would otherwise.  Without being able to read body language, people are naturally more hesitant to speak up and may take longer to respond to a question.  And remembering and finding the unmute button also takes an extra few seconds.  Specifically ask those that haven’t spoken if they have anything to add, without putting undue pressure on them.

7. Different conversations

When physically in the workplace, we seamlessly shift from one kind of conversation to another.  The ‘hi, how are you, how was your weekend’ conversation easily shifts into ‘what are you working on and do you need anything’ through to ‘by the way, we need to get the monthly report done a day early this month as the Minister is going on leave’.  Each of these conversations serve a different purpose in the workplace – rapport and connection, resource allocation, delegation, coordination, collaboration, information sharing etc.

When connecting online it may need a bit more attention to meet all these different needs.  Trying to fit them all into a single weekly meeting may work, or it may not.  Having the right people at the right meetings, with the right intentions is important so as not to waste time of those who don’t need to be there for certain conversations, but also to not exclude some team members from what they might perceive as important conversations.

You may need to allow extra time for the informal ‘water-cooler’ chat as this is impossible from home unless people put in personal concerted effort to create opportunities to connect.

8. Keep to time

Start on time.  Make a request of participants that they show up on time and communicate if they cannot do this.  Schedule shorter meetings with specific purposes.  Finish on time.  Perhaps schedule to finish 5-10 minutes before the hour, to allow people a break before they login for their next online meeting.

Be respectful of others’ schedules.  What are their hours, their commitments, are they juggling home schooling?

Need help?

If you think there may be something not quite working about your communication strategy, take some time to consider these tips.  Coaching can help to sort through your options, and develop a strategy that is authentic and constructive to improve team coherence and performance.

If you would like to schedule a coaching session with me, you can do so at this link.

Acknowledgement:  Based on work by Erica Dhawan “Digital Body Language”

I have coached senior leaders across the public sector for over ten years now.  Over the years, these conversations have covered many, many subjects.  There are three stand out topics for me.  They stand out because whenever I say that they are quite common conversations, the reaction is always one of surprise.  In each case, the senior leader seeking coaching assumes that they are the only ones with this experience.

The three recurring themes are establishing a network, managing a diary effectively and dealing with imposter syndrome.

1. Establishing and maintaining a network

I work as a coach on many leadership programs for cohorts of senior leaders at the senior manager and senior executive levels.  One of the recurring pieces of feedback about the benefits of such a program is the chance to network with colleagues at level.  When I provide one-on-one coaching as part of these programs, participants very often express a desire to stay in touch with other participants with whom they do not have day-to-day contact.  Sometimes someone from the cohort will take the initiative and try to establish a regular catch up of participants.  Other times, participants just express the desire to continue these connections, but lament ‘why would they have time for me?’, ‘I wouldn’t want to be a burden’ or ‘I’d feel awkward calling them just to have a coffee – I would need a purpose for the call’. 

I completely understand these concerns.  It can be difficult to be the one to be vulnerable, and risk a negative response.  Yet as significant number of senior leaders that I coach, wish to reach out and stay in contact with fellow participants.  I find it frustrating that so many people see the benefit of maintaining these connections, but don’t want to be the one to establish the connection in the first place.

There are many benefits of maintaining connections with colleagues at level.  It can be useful to

• share common challenges with people from outside your direct work area
• have someone who can be a sounding board to brainstorm solutions to problems
• have connections who may know of job opportunities that would suit you 
• have access to different skills or knowledge that may be useful sometime in the future. 

As you get promoted, you will find these connections more and more valuable, as it becomes more important to work across the agency and government.

So next time you feel awkward about reaching out to establish a connection, consider that there are many others who feel the same way, and would welcome your call.  Even if it doesn’t work out with the first person you try to connect with, don’t assume that it wont work with anyone.  Try it.  The long-term benefits are worth it.

2. Managing a Diary Effectively

When you get promoted to the next level of leadership, there inevitably comes more demand for your time.  There are more people to meet, more stakeholders to consider, a wider bandwidth of influence.  A common lament is “I spend my whole day in back-to-back meetings, and only get to my ‘real’ job after 5pm”. 

This is a tricky one to manage, especially to begin with.  It can be difficult to determine which meetings are essential, which ones are worthy of your time.  Initially, it may be important to establish networks and meet stakeholders.  Other people are keen to get your input and expertise.  Breaks for lunch become a thing of the past. 

Usually when I suggest possibly saying ‘no’ to some of these meetings, my suggestion is met with horror – “I couldn’t possibly do that”.  Invariably after some time in the job however, this has shifted.  More experienced leaders have worked out:

• which meetings are critical;
• which can be declined or delegated;
• which ones can be handled by a phone call rather than a more time-consuming meeting; or
• which stakeholders are critical. 

So instead of suggesting that meetings be declined, I recommend two things:

1. Work out a set of criteria for yourself.  After a day of meetings, take five minutes to reflect – which meetings were worthwhile?  Were there any that could have been handled differently?  If you can develop a set of criteria for which meetings are essential and which can be handled by alternative methods then when meeting invitations come in, you will have some way of deciding whether to accept, decline, delegate or handle it some other way therefore saving you time and energy.
2. Use these criteria to develop a set of guidelines for someone else who can manage your diary (your EO, EA or other team members).  These guidelines should include putting in buffer time – for urgent issues which may crop up, as well as other chunks of time which you want to remain meeting-free.  These chunks allow you to manage email, have a lunch break, check in with team members or do some strategic thinking.  Block these times out, so that they appear as ‘busy’ if someone is searching for a meeting time.  Let your EO/EA know which ones are sacrosanct and in what circumstances they can be moved.

3. Imposter Syndrome

The third conversation, where I get the most surprise is rooted in a lack of confidence, and a feeling that at any moment they are going to ‘found out’ as not really knowing what they are doing.  These senior leaders attribute their success to luck or to their teams, rather than owning their own achievements.  This is sometimes referred to as ‘Imposter Syndrome’.  I think people often assume that by the time someone has reached the ranks of the senior executive, they have conquered this internal challenge.  In my experience, this is far from the truth.  In fact, I think it is a very common issue at senior levels. 

New senior executives are thrown into situations where they may have little detailed knowledge or experience.  They are expected to speak with high level stakeholders and are expected to be able to think on their feet.  They often don’t have time to settle into a job, or may have little support in the form of time from their supervisors. 

It can be useful to consider that you are not alone in feeling this way.  Others experience this too.  I was once given ‘homework’ by a coach to write down my achievements at the end of each day, including writing down when someone gave me positive feedback.  I quickly realised that I was much harder on myself than others, and that I was achieving much more than my ‘imposter syndrome’ was allowing me to recognise.  Doing a similar exercise, or actively seeking feedback from trusted others may help to bring some objectivity into your thinking.

You are not alone

If some of these challenges sound familiar, be assured that you are not alone.  Perhaps talk to your supervisor or other colleagues who have no doubt faced these challenges in the past.  Not only may it be comforting to realise others have felt the same way, but you may hear some handy tips for dealing with it. 

As always, if you would like to work with an executive coach on any similar issues, you can book a session with me here.

Self-care is getting a lot of airplay right now.  Society is recognising the toll that COVID19 is taking on our mental wellbeing.  Self-care is promoted as one of the ways we can manage and mitigate the impacts.  According to Mental Illness Education ACT (MIEACT), self-care is “the active and deliberate personal action we take to maximise our mental, emotional and physical health.[i]”  Self-care can look different for each individual, and may include physical exercise, mindfulness, social connection, hobbies, contribution, nutrition and sleep.

When the COVID shutdown started, I was very dedicated to self-care.  Every day, I walked, meditated, did Tai Chi, connected with friends, knitted, increased charity work, started a gratitude journal etc.  But as the months have passed, these activities that started out as nourishing self-care activities, have devolved into just more things on my to-do list.  I am rushing through them, not paying attention, finding it all a bit repetitive.  My self-care is no longer self-care but rather has become a task to be checked off.

So, what to do about this?  How can we add ‘self-care’ in, without adding to the to-do list?

Why is self-care so important?

A self-care routine can help maximise our physical, mental, social and emotional performance.  According to the Black Dog Institute, self-care helps prevent stress and anxiety, increases resilience and improves effectiveness.[ii] Implementing self-care individually or as a team is not just about feeling better – the research shows that that it actually improves productivity and performance.

Self-care: from task to attitude

Last year I completed the Mental Health First Aid course. As part of our homework we were asked to complete a self-care activity that evening.  As it is for many people, the evening is not a great time for me to add more tasks to complete.  On this particular day, the course finished at 5, my husband was away travelling, I had to get the kids dinner, clean up the kitchen and then leave to coach the netball team.  The addition of a self-care activity to my night’s to-do list was a bit onerous.  But I am one of those unbearable people that will ALWAYS do their homework. So I did.

Without the extra time to fit in an additional task in my evening, I turned one of my pre-existing to-dos into my self-care homework. Because I had to cook dinner for us all regardless, I chose the task of making dinner as my self-care activity. I resisted my usual habit of rushing in, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and getting out again and doing it all myself.  Instead, I implemented self-care by asking my kids to help me.  This qualified as self-care in my mind because:

• they are old enough to actually be quite useful,
• asking for help is something I am not usually good at, and
• their help would take pressure off me.

And it worked.  My son got started chopping the vegetables while my daughter began boiling the pasta and I was able to make the pasta sauce whilst cleaning up the kitchen as we went.  Instead of rushing through this evening ritual, by asking for help I was able to slow down and take the opportunity to have a conversation with my children and we actually ended up having quite a lovely evening.  I had effectively turned a chore into a relaxing and enjoyable activity.

How can you apply this in the workplace?

In addition to doing your best to look after yourself, many of you are leading teams of people who may be working from home, home schooling, or experiencing anxiety or depression as a result of COVID and other factors.  As a leader, how do you genuinely check in with your staff and ask how they are incorporating self-care into their work life without adding to their to-do list?

How does considering self-care as an attitude rather than a task change how easy it is to fit in self-care activities?  For me, this shift in perspective changes the dialogue from ‘what are you doing to look after yourself (or my team)?’ to ‘how can I go about my day in a way that is kinder to myself? And more gentle with myself and others?’.  When meeting with colleagues in your team, it is important to find a way to check in on their wellbeing in a way that is authentic and not just a ‘tick-a-box’. Being able to gauge their well-being will inform you about their productivity and performance in the workplace and help you work with them to achieve outcomes in a way that supports mental wellbeing.  This can build resilience and reduce stress, rather than burning people out.

A classic example is the weekly team meeting.  Following are some ideas you could think about to integrate some team self-care.

• Schedule in some downtime: Allow yourself and each staff member to nominate a day per week for an ‘early mark’ to do something nice;
• Have a team meeting outside. If appropriate for all staff members, include a walk (with enough notice for people to bring walking shoes;
• In addition to checking what’s on the to-do list, ask what could be taken off a list – by asking for help, reprioritising, delegating, delaying or even deleting.

And looking at my own self-care routine, I have stopped doing so many things.  Instead I am being deliberately more mindful when I do each separate activity.  I notice my surroundings more when I go for a walk.  I think about what I am grateful for when doing them.  I definitely get more out of each self-care activity now, even though I am doing fewer of them.

[i] https://mieact.org.au//app/uploads/1a.-Self-Care.pdf 27 August 2020

[ii] https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/news/the-importance-of-self-care-planning-during-coronavirus/ 27 August 2020

 

The impact of COVID19 shutdown on relationships

As an executive coach – I have noticed an emerging theme amongst my clients and colleagues.  The theme is wellbeing.

Thoughts coming up from colleagues, clients, friends, or even in my own head over recent weeks include…

“I used to bounce ideas off my colleague who sits next to me several times a day.  Now I can go for days in a row without speaking to him”

“Priorities are changing quickly at work, and I’m not sure how I fit in with the rest of the team anymore”

“My supervisor is always so busy, and it’s harder to know how best to engage with her”

“I trust my direct reports, but I’m finding it difficult not having a line of sight on what they are doing each day”

“I just don’t know how I am supposed to monitor my child’s schooling, as well as get my own work done, and hold the family together”

“It’s really hard to keep myself motivated – I wonder how the rest of the team are finding it?”

Wellbeing: What does this have to do with me?

Wellbeing is more important than ever.  Organisations have long recognised the importance of supporting employee wellbeing, and the resulting positive impact on engagement and team performance.  How do leaders prioritise their own wellbeing, as well as the wellbeing of their teams in our ‘new normal’?  Let alone managing all the caring responsibilities and the wellbeing of loved ones…

Current challenges include many teams working from home and leaders finding it harder to stay connected.  Team members may be feeling a bit adrift or ‘out of the loop’.  Communication suffers – buffered by technology yet lacking in the hints that we get from reading body language.   Unintended upset may result.

Any small cracks in team dynamics or trust issues that existed before are being sorely tested under new arrangements.  It is harder to monitor progress against team priorities when day-to-day contact is compromised.  Maintaining morale and motivation can be a significant challenge.

Wellbeing: Start with improving and increasing communication

Without a well-oiled communication system set up, communication breakdowns between teams can be slow and insidious, like water eroding rock over time. Symptoms include wondering if your contribution matters, feeling isolated, losing focus and motivation, beginning your work day later and later, loss of productive ideas, etc.  Maybe they are because you are not feeling recognised at work or having the conversations with your manager that you were not even aware that you needed to have. Maybe it is because cannot find any space in your home now turned work environment.  While these symptoms occur because of lack of communication but they are actually reflecting your current well-being.

We know that productive relationships are integral to performance at work, but did you know that authentic relationships are also essential to maintaining our wellbeing?

Our relationships at work are important for more than just progressing work goals, they are the key to improving our performance, enjoying our work environment and adding to our overall wellbeing.

4 Tips for nurturing work relationships over the screen:

• Schedule a time to pick up the phone each day to call someone from your team.

Without any firm agenda, choose someone you haven’t spoken to for a while, and just call them to check in and say hi.  Although this may feel a bit clunky at first, I have found that people are always happy to hear from me.

• Be careful with written communication (emails, chats etc).

Before pressing send, take a read through, and check the emotional tone.  Just adding a quick sentence at the beginning and the end can make a world of difference – “How are you doing with juggling everything?” or “Give me a call if there’s anything I can help with”.

• Allow time in scheduled meetings for people to communicate on issues not strictly work related.

We would normally do this at work ‘around the water cooler’, at the lift, when we grab a coffee, or as we log in.  But we’ve lost this informal channel of communication.  Add some time during scheduled meetings to allow for this informal chat with your team.

• If you feel disconnected, this is a sign to ask for a regular meeting.

We can’t expect our supervisors, colleagues or direct reports to guess how we are feeling.  Be authentic. Let them know that you’re not sure of priorities right now, need more direction, want to regularly check in on project progress – whatever it is that you need to feel more productive.

A tool for leaders to create a wellbeing plan in your workplace:

With many of us working from home, the boundaries between the two worlds of work and life are blurred, so it is more important now than ever to foster wellbeing for our employees.  The Global Leadership and Wellbeing Survey (GLWS) is the perfect tool to support managers, leaders and team members at this time.  This tool measures wellbeing across a range of factors both inside and outside the workplace including:

• Authentic relationships: with colleagues, family, friends, the community
• Meaning, purpose and direction: our overall sense of leading a life with purpose
• Resilience and equanimity: our inner strength and emotional evenness
• Vitality and energy: physical health, nutrition, exercise and sleep
• Balance and boundaries: balancing the demands from all aspects of life
• Intellectual flow and engagement: our intrinsic interest and focus at work

The GLWS report & your team

The GLWS will provide individuals with a ‘report card’ assessing the employees wellbeing. It will highlight the areas that are working well and those that can be improved upon. An accredited facilitator will take the combined results and help you create an action plan designed to address areas that may dramatically improve wellbeing and maximise results for that individual.  Next, a team report can offer tools that can be implemented to create wellbeing together – contributing to both agency over wellbeing as well as a sense ‘that we are in this together’ – while significantly improving individual and team performance.

Interested?

If you’re interested in knowing more about the GLWS, or would like a conversation to explore any of these issues in depth, please contact me on 0431 969 226, or coach@kateneser.com.au.

The Role of Trust

Recently I had the opportunity to reflect on trust and the role it plays in every relationship and every transaction we undertake.

Months in advance, I booked our Christmas accommodation and, with only weeks to go, we received a message from the vendor cancelling the booking.  They had decided to no longer do short term rentals which left us without accommodation over the peak Christmas period.  Luckily a friend of a friend came to our rescue and we ended up renting a house.  This was not a house that was usually rented out however, it was more of a favour for us.  As I transferred a significant payment to a stranger, I realised that I was relying completely on trust, and so were they – both trusting the judgement of our mutual friend that the situation would work out okay.

In the end, it did work out, but it has made me reflect on trust. What do we mean when we say we trust someone?  If you think about it, every interaction we have involves an element of trust.  When we put an online order through, will it be delivered?  When we confide in a friend, will they keep our confidence?  When we ask someone for help, will they take advantage, or will they help?  We rely on people we work with to deliver on their word all the time – to turn up to meetings, to provide the input we need for something, to meet a deadline.  Trust is part of our daily lives.

There are probably some people or organisations that you trust more than others.  Possibly without conscious thought, we make a judgement of our level of trust every time we interact with each person every day.

What is Trust?

So, what is trust? The definition from the Oxford Dictionary is “Firm belief in reliability, honesty, veracity, justice, strength etc of person or thing”.  This could potentially mean that if we believe someone is not reliable, we also believe they are not honest, and vice versa.  This can lead us to possible errors in judgement.

In many circumstances, we use ‘trust’ as a blanket assessment, without really analysing what we mean by it.  I have some friends that I know will almost always be late to social engagements, so in that sense, I cannot trust them to turn up on time.  However, I trust those same friends in other ways – to be honest, or to keep a confidence, or to be on my side no matter what.  I cannot use a blanket assessment to say I trust this friend or not – trust is variable depending upon the circumstances.  However, at work, we often collapse these judgements – if someone is often late to work, we may tend to use this to make a judgement about their general reliability – to deliver on a deadline, or even to do a good job.

Four Elements of Trust

“Trust” can be considered in four different elements (Sieler, A). These are:

1. Sincerity – are they genuine in their actions or intentions – do they truly mean what they say at the time that they say it? Is there a hidden agenda in play?  Are they just saying what they think we want to hear?
2. Reliability – can we rely on them to deliver on time and to a particular standard – i.e. to meet our expectations with what is delivered, by when, and to the particular standards we require?
3. Competence – is the person able to deliver on a task – do they have the skills, knowledge and capability? Someone may be very sincere and reliable, but if they cannot deliver, sincerity and reliability cannot make the difference.
4. Involvement – is the person committed to delivering on what is important to me? Are they ‘on my side’?  This final dimension is often what my coaching clients mean when they say they don’t trust someone at work.  This can range from a team member or a peer who may be sincere, reliable and competent, but who doesn’t seem as emotionally invested as a supervisor may expect, or has a competing agenda – and is serving their agenda rather than yours.

Breaking it down into these elements is important.  If we say that we don’t trust someone, what do we mean by this?  A listener may interpret our comment and the word ‘trust’ quite differently and take actions that are not appropriate.  Understanding what we mean by trust can also be useful to work out exactly what is not working in the relationship.  This allows us to address the particular issue that will make the difference.  Imagine a situation where someone is very sincere and involved but simply not competent or even reliable.  The conversation we would have to address this breakdown in trust would be quite different to the conversation where someone is competent and reliable but insincere or not involved.

Building Trust in Relationships

Next time you feel that trust is missing in a relationship, try giving a rating to each element of trust.  How would you rate (each out of 5) your colleague’s sincerity, reliability, competence and involvement?  This will clarify what may otherwise be a vague feeling and may give you some insight into how to address it.

Perhaps a more interesting exercise, would be to flip this reflection around.  If you think there is a lack of trust in a relationship, you could look at how the other party might rate you against each of these elements.  Would they rate you highly on each element, or might they have reason to mistrust you on one or more?  You might get to see that they may have made an assessment about your trustworthiness that is based on a single element that has implications for how much trust they put in you in other areas.  For instance, turning up late to meetings might get collapsed into a feeling that they cannot rely on your competence or sincerity.  It might be worth addressing the areas where you think it might be impacting on the relationship.

If you are interested in exploring this further, or you are experiencing a lack of trust with work colleagues, or feel that perhaps they don’t fully trust you, it can be worth employing a coach to come up with strategies to rebuild and improve the relationship.

If you’d like to book a coaching session with me, you can do so here.

[i] The Concise Oxford Dictionary, 6^th edition.

[ii] Seiler, Alan.  Coaching to the Human Soul, Ontological Coaching and Deep Change,
Vol. 1, Newfield Institute 2014.

I wrote this article a few years ago, before I started my own business.  I think it might still be useful for those of you heading back to work today…

I am one of the lucky ones – I love my job.  I would choose to work in my job even if I didn’t need the very welcome paycheck each month.

But that doesn’t mean I escaped the sinking feeling in the car this morning as I headed in to my first day in the office after a glorious two-week break enjoying the sun, family, afternoon naps and the luxury of having no idea what day it was.

As I drove to work, my stomach felt leaden as I dreaded going back to work.  I’m not really sure why.  There’s nothing I dislike about my job.  I enjoy the work, I love my clients and my co-workers, have a great office environment.  But still I would have turned the car around in a heartbeat.

So here I am, almost at the end of my first workday of the year, wondering what advice I would give to those facing the same dreaded return to work this week.

The best thing I did today was face my to-do list.  It had gotten just a little bit out of control by the end of last year, with several requests from clients that they wanted out the door before the Christmas shutdown, all invoicing needing to be entered into the system by year-end, an inbox that looked truly scary.

My to-do list had devolved into a number of sticky notes, emails to myself and random thoughts in my head, and my notebook along with my usually more organised tasklist.  As I faced up to my desk this morning, the feeling that I really couldn’t remember anything that I had to do this week (or this year?), along with the nagging feeling that there had been several tasks that I had put on the ‘leave until January’ basket (a close cousin of the ‘too hard basket’), meant that I felt quite overwhelmed, and not in control of anything this morning.

So I spent a good hour or two finding all my random to-do lists that I had kept in different formats over the last couple of weeks of December, combed through the last month of emails, and searched my memory banks and put it all into an orderly tasklist in my Outlook folder.

And suddenly, I felt much better.  The list was not nearly as long as I had expected – given that it seems nearly infinite when being held in the very unreliable space of my head, this is not all that surprising I suppose.  I then prioritised the list, putting several quick-win items at the top of the priority list.  These included cleaning out the last few weeks of emails (reducing my inbox by over 200 emails), emailing a couple of clients back on a couple of issues that didn’t get resolved before Christmas, cleaning up my desk, and catching up with those of the office team that have already returned to work.

So now that my desk is tidy, my to-do list is wrangled, my inbox is not looking quite so scary, and a couple of the niggling action items have been completed, I feel much more in control, and much better equipped to face tomorrow, when I will start on some of the more substantial tasks that I had earmarked for January.

So with a great deal of sympathy to all those returning to work this week, I wish you well, and hope you can find a way to make the return to work go smoothly…

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”  Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989)

Listening is a skill that most of us neglect, and we don’t practice it enough.  I participated in a 6-month long leadership program several years ago, where most of the training focussed on listening.  It’s amazing to realise how much of our lives we spend NOT listening.

As part of this course, we learnt the practice of ‘listening for the gold’.  The intent of this practice is to listen for the really great things that people say.  The week we were given this homework, I had the perfect opportunity to practice.  We had invited friends over for dinner.  It was a woman that I had met through our kids, and we got along really well.  But I found her husband rather strange, and frankly fairly boring.  I didn’t feel like we had anything in common, and I didn’t really look forward to spending time with them as a couple.

So I approached the night with trepidation, not really expecting my ‘homework’ to have much effect.  Since I had decided this guy was very boring, I thought there wouldn’t be much gold to find in anything he had to say.  To me, it was plain reality that this guy was boring, and listening to him more was just going to be excruciatingly dull.  But I was determined to do my homework properly, and made a real effort to listen to him as if he was the most interesting person in the world, with fascinating things to say.

And much to my surprise, and my husband’s surprise, it actually worked.  I found out lots of stuff about him that I had never bothered to find out before, and we had the best evening we had ever had with that particular couple.  I was amazed at how effective it was.

But the really scary thing about this exercise, was thinking about how often my judgements about all sorts of people affect how I listen to them.  And how simply listening to them differently could change how they occur to me.  Maybe people I had written off as obnoxious, annoying, stupid, self-absorbed etc etc weren’t really like that at all.  As I developed my listening skills over the course of the leadership program, I found myself hearing amazing stories from the most unlikely people – the guy at the security desk at work, my child care worker, and other acquaintances I had never really paid much attention to before.

The barriers to really listening

So, what gets in the way of us using our listening skills?

1. Firstly, as so eloquently put by Stephen Covey, most of us spend a lot of the time in any conversation working out what we are going to say in reply. How many times in a conversation do you find yourself not really listening, but instead working out what you are going to say – to give advice, relate a similar (read better) story, to disagree??  Whilever we are thinking about what we are going to reply, we are not really paying attention to what the speaker is saying.
2. The second thing that gets in the way is illustrated by my story above. Our own prejudices, judgements, points of view stop us from really listening to other people.  We have often made a judgement that this person is boring, mean, arrogant, stupid, self-centred, unfriendly etc, so that we only really hear the things they say that align with our pre-existing opinion about them.  So if we have decided someone is stupid, the times that they say something intelligent are ignored as aberrant, or even worse, we just don’t even hear it.
3. The third habit that tends to get in the way of us listening effectively, is our tendency to listen in a certain way. A bit like my experience outlined above, if we listen for the gold, we are much more likely to hear it.  But most us listen from a different viewpoint, usually a much more negative one.  This will vary depending on the situation and the individual, but can be things like listening to find fault, to criticise, to fix, to lay blame or avoid blame, etc etc.  Again, this can get in the way of us hearing what the other person is actually saying, as we only really hear the things that align with how we are listening.

The solution

So, how can we practice listening effectively?  Try these four steps…

1. Being aware of our internal dialogue: The first thing to do involves a lot of self-discipline.  It involves paying attention to the conversation that is going on within our own head.  Are we listening with the intent of replying, or are we listening with some pre-judgement in play, or are we listening to find fault?  Are we really listening at all?  Until we can control our internal dialogue, it will continue to get in the way when we are trying to listen to others.
2. Listen intentionally: There are some tricks to help us do this.  One of them is using the ‘homework’ I described above.  Deliberately listen from a different perspective.  Go into a conversation with the intent to hear the great things someone says, or the funny things, or to learn something new about them that you didn’t know.  Challenge your own assumptions.
3. Listen actively: One very widely acknowledged technique is generally referred to as active listening.  The essential components of active listening involve firstly minimising distractions when someone is talking to you.  Stop typing, texting, reading, looking at the view, the TV etc.  Actively look at the speaker, and ensure your body language indicates that you are paying attention to them.
4. Then, pay attention: Keep yourself engaged in what they are saying.  Acknowledge what they are saying by nodding or commenting occasionally.  Avoid thinking about how to respond or critiquing the speaker in any way.  Occasionally reflect back to the speaker what you understand them to be saying.  For instance, “If I understand you correctly, you would prefer it if I spent more time explaining the desired outcomes of a task when I delegate it?”  Give the speaker the chance to confirm your understanding or to correct it or elaborate upon it.

You will find that if you practice this, you will get better at it.  At first it might feel odd, but it gets easier.  Once you have progressed past the awkwardness, you will find that you are really interested in ensuring that you understand what the speaker is actually trying to communicate.  This is the essence of really effective listening – the desire to grapple with the message that the speaker is intending to communicate.  What are they really trying to say?  How can your listening, reflecting, summarising actually help them to communicate it better?

This is what I love about my job of executive coaching.  I find people endlessly fascinating.  Just spending 10 minutes with someone really taking the time to understand what they are dealing with, what is important to them, how they want to grow and develop must be one of the true privileges in life.  If I hadn’t developed the skill of effective listening, I would have missed out on learning so much about people, about what motivates them, drives them, inspires them, and therefore inspires me.

I recommend taking the time to learn to listen effectively – it really is worth it…

When describing coaching to prospective clients, I often explain that I bring no agenda to coaching except to have a conversation aimed at supporting them to be the best version of themselves – the best version as defined by themself – not defined by society, their boss, their spouse, their Mum, their Dad, their friends, their kids, their old highschool teacher – rather, the best version of you, defined by you.

I had this very conversation with someone just before Christmas, and it really resonated. As a result I have been ruminating on the concept of “the best version of me” for the last couple of weeks, and have decided to try it out as a guiding theme for 2019.

The obvious possible pitfall of this approach would be to lean towards perfectionism – eg the best version of me would leap out of bed and go for a run every morning, eat a perfect diet, be patient and happy all the time, be a ‘perfect’ wife and mother etc etc. Interestingly, this is not the experience for me in implementing the idea. In some ways it has leant this way – for instance – asking myself the question “what would the best version of me do right now?” when lying in bed procrastinating in the morning has seen me get out of bed and go for a walk each morning for the past week. It has also seen me eating more fresh vegetables with lunch each day, and playing far less candy crush!

However, the other day when the best version of me had definitely been absent the day before – had drunk too much, eaten too much and stayed up too late – the same question had me thinking, “the best version of me right now would actually give myself a break, forgive myself for taking a little holiday, and probably have a nap”. So that was exactly what I did. Turns out the best version of me is quite kind to myself – very different to the usual ‘perfectionist Kate’ that often runs the show.

I think the important difference for me is the ‘defined by me’ part of it. To work out what is the best version of me in any particular moment requires me to look within, and listen to the quiet, still, gentle voice that usually gets crowded out by louder critical voices or just the world in general. It also allows me to take into consideration what I am dealing with in any particular moment. The best version of me looks different in different circumstances and allows for mood, tiredness, the resources at my disposal at any particular time – it’s not unrealistic or perfectionist, but instead is remarkably pragmatic and forgiving.

So, after trying out the concept over the past couple of weeks, I have decided to adopt it as my theme for 2019, and am declaring it as my version of a new years’ resolution.

To be honest, I’m struggling with it today – I’m grumpy and tired, it’s hot and I’m just not in the mood to be the best version of myself. However, after snapping at my husband about something trivial, it did give me a place to stand – I explained that I was struggling to be the best version of myself right now, and I was sorry for being so short with him – I actually turned the moment into an opportunity to implement the concept. And I’m also going to give myself a break – take it easy today, do some self-care and focus on the positives. I might even have a nap.

So here’s to 2019 and being the best version of me.

Happy new year!

Ever noticed a pattern that emerges when you take on a new job, or a new role?  Everything seems to start off rosy, but then it seems to get worse before it gets better.  And a long while after it gets better, finally, you get to the stage where you feel like you can do the job with your eyes shut.

This process has been articulated in the theory of conscious competence, variously attributed to Abraham Maslow or to Gordon Training International, with the true origins difficult to pinpoint.  It can be useful to understand these stages as you enter into a new job.

Stage 1:  “Unconscious Incompetence”.

There seems to be a period – often referred to as the ‘honeymoon period’ where it is all new, exciting, you are keen to do a good job in your new role, and you are busy meeting all the new people, getting your email setup, and finding out where the fridge is.

You take on a few new tasks without always knowing what needs to be done or how to go about it, and you give it your best shot.  But right now, the workload is slow to ramp up, so you often have time to mess things up a little before getting it right.

There’s a whole lot you don’t know, but right now, you don’t know that you don’t know it.  I like to refer to this stage as ‘blissful ignorance’!

Stage 2:  “Conscious incompetence”

Then, after a while, you notice that you feel a bit overwhelmed.  You have lots more tasks on, still don’t really know what needs to be done or how to go about it.  You are really conscious of just how much you don’t know about the new work.  You look at the colleagues sitting around you, and they all seem to be incredibly knowledgeable and experienced.

Suddenly, you are feeling out of your depth.  You feel like you will never learn everything there is to know to be fully competent in the new job.  You wonder whether this was a bad move – maybe you should have stayed where you were in your old job, not ventured out of your comfort zone.

It is critical at this stage, not to give up.  Be careful not to regress into your comfort zone.  If you can keep these stages in mind, you will remember that this is the hardest stage.  You have moved into the stage where you are entirely aware of your level of incompetence – chances are that you are being much harsher on yourself than is justified.  Just remember that things are going to get better!

Stage 3:  “Conscious competence”

Once you’ve settled into the job, you start to notice that you don’t feel quite so overwhelmed.  A new task will hit your desk, and now you know what to do with it, what’s required, who to talk to, what format is needed, what the expected timeframe is.  You set to work, and go through the steps that you have learned to successfully complete the job.

You’ve actually now reached the point where you have at least some level of competence, and you are aware, or conscious, of how to do the job.  It may still require a bit of effort, as you need to consciously work through what is required for each new task, but at least you feel like you have the skills and the knowledge to get there.

Stage 4:  “Unconscious competence”

Then, finally, if you stay in the role a while longer, you will reach the stage where you are unconsciously competent.  This doesn’t mean that you sleep at your desk.  But it does mean that you know how to do the job, without really paying that much attention.  A new task will hit your desk, and you won’t even need to think about what needs to be done, or who you need to talk to.  You hit the ground running and don’t think twice.  At this stage, it is important to not get careless, to keep up the quality of your output and to make sure that you continue to look for ways to improve.

At the advanced point of this stage, it can even be difficult to teach someone else to do the job, as it all seems blindingly obvious to you, and breaking it back down into each discrete step that you need to take can take quite an effort.

So the trick to remember is – this process is entirely normal, and most people go through some version of each of these stages.  If you are struggling in your job, and think you might be suffering from conscious incompetence, give yourself a break and wait for the conscious competence stage to kick in!  I have all too often seen perfectly competent people beating themselves up for being in the conscious incompetence stage for too long.  There is no real time line that belongs to each stage – it will be different for each person and each job.  But my feel is that it takes at least 6 months to start moving into the conscious competence stage.  This can feel like a very long time, but if you can give yourself a break and focus on learning rather than incompetence, it will be a lot easier.

Everybody seems to be in a rush these days. When you ask someone “How are you”, it seems that the default response has changed from being ‘good’ to being ‘busy’. I think for some people (that is, me), this has become a habit.

A few months ago, I decided to start checking in on whether being ‘busy’ and in a rush had become habitual for me. How often am I mentally checking my to-do list while trying to check my email or do the dishes or have a conversation with someone? The answer – way more often than is helpful.

So I determined to interrupt this habitual way of being. A great opportunity soon arose. I was getting my haircut when the dreaded phone call from school interrupted to tell me my daughter was sick, and could I pick her up. So we finished the haircut as quickly as possible, without walking out with a skew new hairstyle. I rushed to my car and started driving.

Now, on principle, I do not speed (yes, it’s true). So there I was, driving down Northbourne Avenue (the main drag of Canberra) at 60km/h clutching the steering wheel as if my life depended upon it, leaning forward with my shoulders hunched, my teeth clenched, very stressed to get to the school as quickly as possible. It seemed that I was getting every red light on the way, and everyone in front of me was driving ridiculously slowly, and I was muttering under my breath criticisms of everyone around me.

With my recent commitment to observe (and hopefully improve) my default of being in a rush, I took a moment to think. I wasn’t going to drive any faster, and I wasn’t going to get to school any faster by holding my body with so much stress. So I deliberately relaxed, my hands, my shoulders, my jaw. It worked, I could feel my breathing ease, and my whole body relax.

And while I know that this can have had no actual effect on my chances of getting a red or a green traffic light, as I relaxed, I seemed to be getting green lights rather than red, and others on the road didn’t seem to be in need of driving lessons any longer.

In fact, as I drove, in my new relaxed state, thinking “All the lights are green”, it reminded me of a song from my childhood, and before I knew it, I was driving (still at 60 km/h), relaxed, smiling and singing aloud a long-forgotten song.

I got to school in a much better mood, no quicker or slower than I would have anyway (unless the green lights really were responding to my change in mood!).

This experience was eye-opening, and made me wonder how often I do this in every moment of the day. How often am I stretched, and feel the need to rush, when really, it would be far more productive and enjoyable to relax. This doesn’t require going any slower or pulling back on achieving my to-do list – it focuses more on how I am ‘being’ in any moment, rather than what I am ‘doing’.

I am far from perfect, and every day I forget this lesson, and find my mind on my to-do list and my habit of ‘being’ in a rush wins the day. But when I remember, I slow, and almost invariably smile as my shoulders relax. I’m determined to catch myself whenever I can, and give up the habit for good.

What habitual ways of being do you adopt? Are they working for you? How would you like to change them? Just observing them can be the crucial first step to living a life free from ways of being which aren’t serving you well. I highly recommend it!